I thought I was Done with This

When David got a job three hours away two months ago, I knew I would miss him terribly, but I never would have predicted the tail-spin of immaturity I would let myself get sucked into. I thought I was a grown-up now. The ever more noticeable lines on my face tell me I am, but my actions lately are more like a three year old throwing a tantrum. Not a throw myself on the floor, scream and yell till I'm blue in the face kind of tantrum, the eat whatever I want and stay up all hours watching TV kind of tantrum. The kind of tantrum where I know I really ought to be organizing for moving or spending more time with the kids, or at least doing some dishes, but instead find myself zoned out in an endless online house hunting expedition. Have you ever been on one of these downward spirals? The less I do, the less I feel like doing. When the going got tough this time, I checked out. Or am I stating this too strongly? I still taught piano, a scholar class and my own children. Our budget is still on track and the house looked good enough that someone bought it. Christmas preparations are under control and the children don't smell bad. It's just that, personally, any down time I could find, I filled with meaninglessness instead of the important things, even some of the essential ones. I thought I was done with that bad habit. I guess I just wished I was, because when the going got tough, I bailed. But time is consistent and today, this moment, I can start being done with immaturity again.

Playing in the Leaves

One of the best moments in life, is seeing your children building relationships with each other. They probably think they're just having fun, but I see bonding. Yeah!
One day, Davy and Darci went outside and raked up tons of leaves in the neighbor's yard. Then they came in and got Elisabeth, so excited to through her in the leaves. Then they took turns burying each other. Fun times! Now my front yard is covered in little leaf rooms. They rake the leaves into "walls" and play house inside the rooms. Bekah, Darci and Elisabeth, not Davy. I think he would want me to disclose that.

I Love Fall!

I'm going to miss the quick drive up the canyon, especially years like this, when the colors are so beautiful! This spot is only 5 minutes from our front door.

Fall Sports

Woo Hoo! Fall sports are over this week. We have had a blast going to all the football and soccer games, but it's really nice not to go into town four nights a week. They were both so great, good athletes with good sportsmanship. Darci says she likes sports better than dance. She's a good age to start figuring those things out.

Going on a Car Ride

My dad used to take us for a ride on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon as kids. It usually involved gorgeous scenery and seeing how far he could get up some steep mountainside. We had some fun times and I know I must have like cuz every once in a while I get the urge for a ride. Last Monday Dave drove us up to Manning Reservoir on Monroe Mountain. We had a good time. Elisabeth collected lots of nature, as she says, we hiked and spotted deer, small animals, cows and this car. There was only one scare when Dave pretended he was driving into the reservoir. Bekah was freaked and he was satisfied. It was really pretty and a fun evening together.

About Me

An old friend recently contacted me and this was my catch up on the last ten years reply:

I’m thinking the last time we saw each other was in Cedar City and I have vague memories of us talking somewhere on the hill on the west of Cedar, but can’t remember why we were there. Sodas and fries might have been involved, I think. One thing I do remember is you concerningly asking me if David treated me well. That question sticks out to me, because if anything, he treats me better than my actions warrant. Which is good, or maybe it’s why, we’re coming up on our 15th anniversary on the 11th of this month. Sitting in church the other day, I noticed a couple who has been married three or four years who were still just being that annoyingish gooey-gooey to each other and I kind of missed it for a second, but I wouldn’t trade it for the deeper “I know everything about you and am no longer blinded by only the good and still desperately want you” relationship that comes with fifteen years and five kids worth of experiences.

In 1998, Dave got a job as a law-enforcement park ranger for the State of Utah, so we moved to Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park where we lived in one of the prettiest spots in Utah, 20 miles from the nearest little town. http://www.duneguide.com/sand_dune_guide_coral_pink.htm We loved it there when the kids were little, especially after they built new housing and we moved out of the TINY, mouse infested trailer. We spent a lot of time hiking, riding and playing in sand. One of the biggest shocks to me when we moved to Monroe was the dust. The sand at Coral Pink didn’t generate dust. I began mentoring college students enrolled in George Wythe College’s distance studies program and when the older girls started school and I was driving them to town, I started teaching a few piano lessons in people’s homes.

I enjoyed it and my life was full of kids, babies, friends, and church but I noticed I was increasingly feeling depressed and dissatisfied or maybe it was the other way around. Keeping myself busy helped, and as you know, there is no end of things in a mother’s life to keep her busy, but busyness is just a band-aid. During lulls between projects or times to myself like lying in bed at night, in the shower, or rare occasions of driving alone, my feelings of meaninglessness led me to find fault in my marriage, my faith, and my motherhood. I would rotate between these, blaming one and then the other for all the problems in my life and thinking how much better it would be if I had chosen differently. Thankfully, though, my commitment rose above these feelings, and I determined to stick it out, but I didn’t have to stick it out for long.

My oldest daughter, Nicole, is very bright and loves learning and I knew her education was not meeting up to her potential, so in 2003, I decided it was time for me to find out more about home school. So I went to a seminar in Cedar City about Thomas Jefferson Education, an educational philosophy developed by Oliver DeMille. http://www.tjed.org/ I hoped to find some direction and support for my concerns about Nicole, and instead found the source of my discontent. My life was a series of going through the motions and lacked any kind of depth. Whether you call it, “Purpose-Driven” or “Reason-Driven”, if you’re not doing it, the result is the same, blah! Although the seminar was not about that, attending it reminded me of ME and I resolved to apply to the master’s program at GWC and continue with my education. Not to get a job, not because I had lots of time on my hands, not because someone thought I should, just because deep in my soul, I wanted to. I had no idea how I would pay for it or how it would work into the daily responsibilities of mothering, but it didn’t matter because that kind of knowing always finds a way. And it did.

In 2004, we moved to Monroe, UT, right in the middle of the state near Richfield when David got a job at Fremont Indian State Park. And Wahoo!, we didn’t have to live at the park. Instead, we bought a nice little rambler built in the 70’s in desperate need of remodeling at the edge of town. It has been a great move! I miss the beautiful Ponderosa pines dominating the edges of the sand, but even they didn’t make up for the constant driving which would have only become worse as the kids got older. They, the kids not the pines, have been able to get involved in so many activities here and love riding their bikes to the library, friend’s or the park. And, when Dave’s dad and stepmom moved here from Vegas a few months after us, it allowed me to attend GWC on campus which is so much better than distance studies. I love the classes there and am now done with all of my courses and have only to write my thesis to have an official, Political Economy Masters Degree.

I often divide my life into roles when I’m trying to make a to-do list. It consists of wife (1 husband), mother (4 daughters, 1 son), student (going on 5 years in a 2 year degree program), piano teacher (10-12 students), primary president (12 teachers, 60 children), mentor (7 clients), and Family Statesmanship Academy founder (15 home school families, 4 clubs, 3 yearly activities). But I have learned, to say it like Covey would, to sharpen the saw. Not in the trite take care of yourself first sort of way, but in a deeper, my life matters way. So even though I’m still busy and still have unanswered questions and still get exhausted and still have 25 pounds to lose, when it comes down to it, I’m loving every minute. Okay, not every minute. I hate mopping and throw-up, but you know what I mean. Since I don’t get to pick and choose all the details, given the whole ball of wax, I take it!

First day of School

No backpacks needed! We had a busy, but fun, first week of school. Two days before school, I gave each of the kids an invitation inviting them back to school. They all picked out a favorite outfit and had their hair done and ready to go by 8:00. We read scriptures with dad and then I pulled out a big surprise: a new laptop. Everyone loves having two computers. Then we went over all the new "systems" for the school year. Who practices when, who cleans what and when, who helps with meals which day, that sort of thing. Then we started reading Little Women, A History of Us and The Friend. Last, everyone worked on their own K12 courses. Elisabeth really likes hers, but has a hard time staying focused on what she was going to do next. Darci and Davy really love math, but do well in all their subjects. Bekah is studying a lot this year and has done a good job everyday. Nicole just studies. I hardly see her. We did have a fun week together and even though they wish they saw their friends more, they all like home school for learning. It takes a lot of my time, but there isn't anywhere else more important for me to be!

Darci's Special Day

I look at that face and just see sunshine. Darci chose to be baptized yesterday and she was positively glowing. I know she was able to feel the spirit and she understands the promises she made as she came up out of the water. Here are 8 wonderful joys Darci brings to my life:
1. She has the cutest nose ever and not only that, it's talented, too. She can hang a spoon off this cute little button!
2. She loves to move!!! She learned to walk before she was one, much to my chagrin, and from there went immediately to climbing, running and jumping non-stop. Oh, to have that energy.
3. I love watching Darci make friends. Not that there's much to watch. It just happens.
4. I love the way she puts together cute little outfits and then one-by-one everything is changed back to sport shorts and a T-shirt. You've got to be able to move!
5. I love how you like to wear jewelry. Not the really sparkly girly stuff, but a simple chain or bracelet that shows off your feminine side.
6. I love how hard you work at school. Even though it's not really easy or fun for you, you stick to it and WOW! you're doing awesome!
7. I love your eyes. Just looking at your eyes reminds me of the day you were born and seeing them for the first time. I was so happy to have you here. I can't believe how lucky I am to be your Mom.
8. I love your righteous heart. You really try to CTR and most of the time you do.
I love you, Jo-Jo!!

ps Braithwaite Family, I posted all the baptism pics on our My Family site.

5 Mile Milk Run

In January I set the goal to run the 5 Mile Milk Run Monroe City sponsors every 24th of July. My friend Shawnee wanted to as well, so we've been working up to it together. I still don't like running. I thought if I could run that far, surely the mystical runner's high I've heard about would kick in. But no. After about the first 15 minutes, every step is somewhere between annoying and agonizing. BUT, I made it! I ran the whole 5 miles without stopping. I came in about 3rd to last, but I did the whole thing. It was hard and I did it anyway. That feels great! Goal accomplished!
The best part was when Dave drove the kids out to the 1/2 way point and they all cheered me on. Then, Davy, Bekah and Elisabeth ran with me the last two blocks. So even though I still haven't felt the joy of jogging, I definitely feel the joy of being a supported Mom.

General Conference

Today at general conference, I was very touched by Elder Ballard's talk on motherhood. He was so kind and generous in his comments. He advised mothers to do four things:
1) Realize the joy of motherhood comes in moments
2) Don't overschedule yourself and your family.
3) Make some time to enjoy the things you love.
4) Pray, study and teach the gospel.
I feel inspired to make these four things the focus of my life for the next six months.

Why tending roses?

One of my favorite books is The Secret Garden by Frances Hodges Burnett. Although a children's story about children, it is a rich unfolding of the true secret for happiness. Three unlikely playmates, a lonely orphan, a sickly heir and a poor gardener, discover a forgotten, overgrown garden and make it their own. As they pull weeds and nurture plants they learn, "Where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow." The story progresses and they all discover how this lesson applies to their entire life.

This is my theme for mothering. During the last 13 years, since becoming a mother, I have too often forgotten. I have planted many thistles and then wondered why my garden isn't such a pleasant place to be. Then, instead of pulling out the weeds and tending to my flowers, I've poisoned myself with self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. So, the purpose of this blog is to remind me to tend my roses: my relationships with God, Christ, my husband and my children.

Come watch my garden grow!