When David got a job three hours away two months ago, I knew I would miss him terribly, but I never would have predicted the tail-spin of immaturity I would let myself get sucked into. I thought I was a grown-up now. The ever more noticeable lines on my face tell me I am, but my actions lately are more like a three year old throwing a tantrum. Not a throw myself on the floor, scream and yell till I'm blue in the face kind of tantrum, the eat whatever I want and stay up all hours watching TV kind of tantrum. The kind of tantrum where I know I really ought to be organizing for moving or spending more time with the kids, or at least doing some dishes, but instead find myself zoned out in an endless online house hunting expedition. Have you ever been on one of these downward spirals? The less I do, the less I feel like doing. When the going got tough this time, I checked out. Or am I stating this too strongly? I still taught piano, a scholar class and my own children. Our budget is still on track and the house looked good enough that someone bought it. Christmas preparations are under control and the children don't smell bad. It's just that, personally, any down time I could find, I filled with meaninglessness instead of the important things, even some of the essential ones. I thought I was done with that bad habit. I guess I just wished I was, because when the going got tough, I bailed. But time is consistent and today, this moment, I can start being done with immaturity again.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
I thought I was Done with This
When David got a job three hours away two months ago, I knew I would miss him terribly, but I never would have predicted the tail-spin of immaturity I would let myself get sucked into. I thought I was a grown-up now. The ever more noticeable lines on my face tell me I am, but my actions lately are more like a three year old throwing a tantrum. Not a throw myself on the floor, scream and yell till I'm blue in the face kind of tantrum, the eat whatever I want and stay up all hours watching TV kind of tantrum. The kind of tantrum where I know I really ought to be organizing for moving or spending more time with the kids, or at least doing some dishes, but instead find myself zoned out in an endless online house hunting expedition. Have you ever been on one of these downward spirals? The less I do, the less I feel like doing. When the going got tough this time, I checked out. Or am I stating this too strongly? I still taught piano, a scholar class and my own children. Our budget is still on track and the house looked good enough that someone bought it. Christmas preparations are under control and the children don't smell bad. It's just that, personally, any down time I could find, I filled with meaninglessness instead of the important things, even some of the essential ones. I thought I was done with that bad habit. I guess I just wished I was, because when the going got tough, I bailed. But time is consistent and today, this moment, I can start being done with immaturity again.
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5 comments:
As friends of mine have said, "Don't 'should' on yourself" and "Save guilt for sin!" You are headed in the right direction. Let yesterday go and make tomorrow better. You can do it! :o)
((Hugs))
I just get excited when I think of your family living so much closer! Don't worry about your downfalls, just remember the important thing is to always get back up (which it sounds like you are)!
I knew it all along. I knew that some where deep down inside, you still had a little bit of immaturity! I'm so happy! I feel like we've finally connected! OK OK I'm just kidding! But seriously, when you're in the middle of a house hunt and moving you've got to cut yourself some slack. Besides you said the kids didn't smell, so I think you're doing great:) Love ya!
Well, it paid off...the endless searching for houses because you got a great one!! I am so happy for you but sad for me because I will miss you terribly.
Blessings & hugs,
Laura
Thanks for adding me on facebook so that I could find your blog! I'm so glad!
I love blogging. And this post was awesome! YES, YES, YES! Somedays (weeks, months...) I feel EXACTLY like this.
Especially when there's big decisions going on. Last year we made a major career change and I felt like this the whole time we were trying to make the decision. Like I was a zombie or something. Going through the motions but not quite actively participating in everything.
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